Jul 19, 2012
If you have been married for several years, have grown up children who have left the coop and your husband comes home one night and says he wants a divorce, that must surely count as the most shocking and unexpected experience in one’s life. You cry for a long time, your grown up kids sympathize with you and you watch with disbelief as he packs his clothes and leaves. He is not sure what he wants, he says, he is forty five years old, but the marriage has gone stale and he wants out. When asked if he has found another woman, he says yes.
How to act around your ex
The first thing is to ask an honest question. Do you want him back? And if so, why do you want him back? Is it to take away the fear? Or is it because he is more than a lover but also a true companion who has temporarily lost his way? If the answer is yes don’t waste any time thinking of the woman he is with or what he has done but take realistic stock of the situation and act.
• Do not cry on the phone and ask him to come to come back. Don’t beg. Pull yourself together and go about your daily business. You need time just to accept that you have been left. Sometimes a marriage is hanging by a thread and it is a good reason to let it go, but if you have always had a comfortable life and have feeling for your partner and he is receptive to you, it is worth trying to get him back.
• Don’t listen to the advice of others. They do not know what kind of relationship you have. Most first reactions are that you should leave the man. This is easy to say when you are not in the situation but losing your buddy of fifteen years.
• Should he come to your house to pick up the rest of his things, act cordially, don’t get into an argument or start crying. You want him to see that you are not shattered that he has left and going on with his life. If he asks how you are doing, say that you are managing and that you will survive. Ask him how he is doing. Listen, then tell him that you have to meet a friend somewhere for coffee and you are running late.
• Make no reference to the woman he has left you for. If you see them by accident in the mall or the grocery shop, do not react. You have shown a steely front and don’t want to be behaving in a manner that shows you are weak and want him to come back.
• Resolve in your heart to stick with the situation and do not be in a rush. Leaving you for another woman is no small matter and you still want to think if you really want to take a man back who has betrayed you. Betrayal is a hard thing to deal with whether you are a woman or a man. It may be that after being without him for a few months that he is starting to miss you and want you back, but you no longer want it. Never lift the telephone receiver to tell him that you are lonely and if you are coming back.
• When you see your children on the weekends or with other members of the family, you might get an update of his situation. If you hear that he and the woman have split up, this is your chance to make your move. You never make a move while he is in the grip of passion with another woman. You wait for him to falter – like an injured animal that can no longer run with the pride – and then you show who you are.
How to get your ex back
Prepare a killer Christmas or Thanksgiving lunch and invite the kids. Tell them to ask their father to come along. This is a crucial stage. If he comes, you know he’s yours already. If he does not, you know there is some work to do still. Wear the dress you know he likes, splash on a dash of his favorite perfume, and while you are not showing overt attention to him, when he is carving the meat you lean over him at the table and say the following words: I miss you. And I miss my friend.
The definition of freedom means different things to different people and is very subjective. What may be freedom to someone who has an adequate job that they can live with might be different for someone who barely survives. When Mandela was released in 1992, this writer who lived in Toronto for 27 years also felt freedom because the apartheid regime came to an end and people were treated as equals. I always quipped that even though he was in a cell he had the smell of the sea, and that I had the keys to the city but was still trapped. You cannot change a country over night. I returned to South Africa for my share of a decent life. That is this writer’s definition of freedom; physically free but still mentally in a cell.
Financial freedom is something else. If you are struggling financially you have to change your thinking and work towards changing your situation. Where do you even begin? It’s no use telling someone to get a financial planner when the person hasn’t got a dime saved. How is he going to attain financial freedom? He is not interested in theories. He is interested in how to pay the electricity, his mortgage, children’s school fees and have a decent, worry-free life. This article can pontificate on strategies but unless he has money – for you need to pay in currency for everything you buy – he is still nowhere near equipped with the tools to change his life and attain financial freedom. What is needed is education and knowledge. With knowledge you have an edge and can rise up out of the dust for a happier and stress-free life.
To help you in this regard there are some valuable books and dossiers written to help you reach your goal. Remember knowledge is power. There are financial experts you can call on as well as some valuable reading material on financial crisis survival, a freedom blueprint of what the author has learned over the past years, and what you have to do to break free. There is also 17-page private intelligence report on how to take eight critical steps to survive during the coming global financial crisis. According to this report the economy is not about to recover and we are headed for the second and third phases of an ongoing economic and financial crisis.